I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
