Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Enjoy the penises
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
