u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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