On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
God I need to hump something, right now.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
