I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
