Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize