I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How does it feel to date your dad?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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