Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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