Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
