she smelled like a LAN party
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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