M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
