Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
