if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize