Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
it's like heaven, but drunker
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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