How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
