I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
