her vagina looked like bernie madoff
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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