New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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