I want to make a zoo with you.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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