Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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