In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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