I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
