I'm going to jail i love you
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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