: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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