I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
