You made me cry and you don't even care
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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