looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
