he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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