Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
