Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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