FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
