4 words: hood of his car
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
