I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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