Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
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