I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
