Plan B is the new Plan A
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
