you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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