You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
