So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
