Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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