Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
