If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
