Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
