i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
