I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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