Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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