im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
