If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
