what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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