just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
