I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
