the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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