You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
