im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
