apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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