Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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