At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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