my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
