I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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