just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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