He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
