I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
