You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
