He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
