its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
