My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
